Guilt
by RianSveinSnape
Summary: Touma's heart is broken and Seiji is the only one who can help him. Will Seiji come to terms with, and act on his feelings? Can Touma ever move on this heartache? Read to find out. Warning, this is SLASH Rating may change. COMPLETE!
1. Amends Gone Wrong

Hey, this is a short chapter fic I wrote a while back. It's the second YST fic I've ever written so please be kind with the comments. ^^;;  
  
This contains mild slash/yaoi. If this offends you, please just don't read this. Flames will be used to boost my status as an author and otherwise will be completely ignored. Otherwise, read on and enjoy!  
  
Notes: ~.......~ refers to conversations through their mental link  
  
  
  
Amends Gone Wrong  
  
  
  
"Sorry? Sorry?! You're a little too fucking late for sorry!" the words spat out form the fair girl's mouth.  
  
"Bri, I... it's my fault, but I didn't mean to do it." the blue haired archer tried again. Looking at her eyes, he realized a little too late that he shouldn't have said that.  
  
Brianne blew a fuse. "Didn't MEAN to?!" she practically screeched. "You fucking knew what you were doing. And don't tell me that you still care. Because if you did, you wouldn't have talked shit behind my back you bastard!"  
  
Touma stood there, pain written clearly on his face as if he were stabbed with one of his own arrows. The cold wind played with his hair as it bit through his clothes. The archer ignored the cold, his mind only focusing on the pain and hurt within his heart.  
  
He had truly loved Brianne. She was so like him. They had so much in common. At first he thought that it was because he was trying to find someone to fill that hole in his heart that belonged to another. Over time he realized that he loved her, and that he thought less about his best friend when he spent time with her.  
  
But now that their relationship was over, Touma had brought her here hoping to patch things up. They ended up in the woods behind the mansion in seek of privacy. He was quite thankful for that. He didn't want his friends in this argument. They didn't know how bad it really ended.  
  
The next thing the archer realized was a tug within his mind, and the warmth it brought. Only then did he notice the presence of another in front of him.  
  
"S-Seiji....?" his voice came out quiet and hoarse from all the arguing he had done.  
  
The blonde swordsman turned his head slightly to look at Touma. The pain he saw written in his friend's eyes tore at his heart. ~Touma. Daijoubu ka?~ Seiji asked through their mental link. His voice held more concern for his friend than he'd normally show.  
  
Touma tried to nod, but the answer to that question was quite clear. It was something that he just couldn't hide.  
  
Seiji gave Touma a slight comforting smile and turned to face Brianne. His hard and cold face just glared at her. He could feel the slight anger rising within him. The flinch she showed from his glare made him smirk. "Touma is our friend, and in fact, we're more like family. We know him better than you EVER will." Seiji started, taking a step towards her. "You will never understand the reasons as to why he did the things he did. That's because you never bothered to listen to him. So I suggest, miss, that if that is all you have to say, that you leave our house immediately."  
  
By this time, Touma was blankly staring at Seiji's back. He wasn't expecting the swordsman to find them, or to do this for him.  
  
"Yo, Touma! You alright?"  
  
Touma turned his head and saw Shuu walking their way. Before Touma had a chance to say anything, Seiji turned to face Shuu as well.  
  
"Shuu, would you be so kind as to show our GUEST to the door. I need to talk to Touma." he said, silently asking him to leave them alone as he glanced at his friend.  
  
Shuu just gleamed. "Sure thing Seiji!"  
  
Shuu walked over to Brianne, grabbed her arm, and led her none to gently, towards their driveway.  
  
Touma just blinked at the whole scene. Somehow it didn't seem real. Yet he knew it was by the emptiness he felt in his heart. He turned his head back towards Seiji. His now somewhat messy blue hair hid what it could of the archer's eyes and tears.  
  
~~TBC~~ 


	2. The Beginning Of A New Pain

Notes: ~......~ = mental conversations //.....// = thoughts  
  
  
  
The Beginning Of A New Pain  
  
  
  
Seiji knew Touma was wondering what they had to talk about, and just smirked. "C'mon. Let's walk around for a bit." Seiji said. He wanted to put off their 'talk' for as long as possible. He knew that the day's events would cause Touma to breakdown once again. And Seiji wasn't sure if he could handle it without doing something rash.  
  
They walked until they were about a mile away from the house. He knew that they would not be disturbed. He made sure that Shuu understood that no one was to disturb them at all.  
  
Reaching a shallow lake, Seiji sat down leaning against a tree. He looked up at Touma. He wasn't sure how to bring anything up. He didn't want to see Touma so distraught, yet if he didn't make the archer talk about it, he knew it would drive his friend crazy.  
  
Touma sat down next to Seiji, half leaning against the tree, half leaning against Seiji. He was emotionally tired and Seiji could see it. He decided he'd let Touma start the conversation when he was ready.  
  
Seiji watched Touma from the corner of his eyes. His friend looked so lost. So opposite of how he usually was, up until a month ago. Before one month ago, nothing would bother his friend. Not even the problems that they had from a year ago. Sure, as soon as it happened Seiji had tried to avoid Touma. But he soon realized how childish his actions were.  
  
At first he had just gone back so he could keep Touma as his friend. After all, that's what mattered the most to him. But now it was as clear as day that he had been in denial for so many months, maybe even years. And it had taken one simple action one month ago to realize that....  
  
Before he could continue that train of thought, he felt a pair of eyes on him. Seiji turned his head to see Touma watching him with watery eyes. A sad, pained look filled soft lavender eyes. He was the only one that knew how much this relationship meant to Touma. He had seemed so happy.  
  
"Touma..." Seiji had started. His voice was sad, and showed his sympathy for his friend. But it also held a tone that offered comfort. Something Touma seriously needed at that moment.  
  
Within moments, the tears started falling. There were no words. Nothing could describe the pain his friend was feeling. Wracked with sobs, Touma had his head buried in Seiji's chest muttering something about how Brianne was the only girl he had ever loved in his whole life.  
  
All Seiji could do was hold Touma in a gentle embrace, hoping to calm him down. On the inside, however, he could feel his heart tearing. To hear those words from the only one he fully cares about, hurt. But then again, it was his fault wasn't it. If only he didn't push Touma away a year ago. If he had realized it sooner...  
  
//But now it's too late. And it's all my fault Touma had to go through all this...// was the only thing Seiji could think of as he closed his eyes in pained guilt. He held Touma closer, wanting nothing more than to just kiss those tears away. //It was my fault Touma. I'm so sorry.//  
  
~~~TBC~~~ 


	3. Contemplation

A/N: Well, it looks like I finished this chapter faster than I thought I would. I've got a start on the next one, though no promises on how fast I can put it out.  
  
I'd like to thank Acua and Carine for reviewing. ^^;; I never really realized that people would really like this fic. In fact, it's kinda funny, but I have the first chapter to a friend so she could read it, and well, her English teacher found it, punched holes on the top of the paper, and stuck it in her folder. x.X apparently the teacher liked it as well.  
  
And well, to answer your questions Carine, I think I'll have to think about writing a side story or something later. It'd take too long to explain right here. ^^;;  
  
Anyway, hope you enjoy the next part.  
  
  
  
  
  
Contemplations  
  
  
  
Touma woke up slowly, not wanting to open his eyes just yet. He felt warm and safe, yet another part of his mind said it would disappear if he opened his eyes. Feeling a pair of strong arms tighten slightly around his body, the blue-haired archer forced his eyes open. The sight he was greeted with confused him.  
  
Seiji was asleep and had Touma in a comforting embrace. His head was leaning against the tree. It took a few moments for Touma to remember what had happened earlier that night. The ache in his heart returned once more.  
  
It's bad enough that he had lost Brianne completely. There's no chance for friendship between them now. But Seiji was always there for him. He was there for him to talk to when their relationship had started going bad about a week ago. Then when Bri had ended their relationship, he offered sympathy, comfort, and even advice. And now, standing up against Brianne and silently offering comfort, in solitude, away from the rest of the world just like any true friend would do.  
  
And that's what hurt the most. He knew that to Seiji, this was just all within the responsibilities of being a true friend. Nothing more, nothing less. And that, Touma found, was quite depressing in itself.  
  
Seiji was a light sleeper and woke up when Touma had shifted positions in his embrace. Opening his eyes slightly, he looked down at Touma, whose eyes were staring out into the forest showing that he was lost in deep thought. The look of slight distress that passed through those dark blue eyes caused Seiji to pull Touma closer to him and to rest his head on top of the archer's.  
  
Touma stiffened at first, unsure of Seiji's actions, but just as quickly relaxed into his embrace. He decided that he didn't care whether or not this was being done out of friendship. The loving comfort that the embrace provided made him try to cuddle closer to the swordsman.  
  
They stayed like that for a while in complete silence. Just being comforted in each other's presence and lost in their own thoughts. However, while Touma's thoughts were on the pain tonight's events brought and the blissful peace he felt when he was in Seiji's arms, Seiji's thoughts were stuck on the rage he felt for Brianne for treating Touma like that, the guilt he felt for pushing him away, and how in the world he could fix it.  
  
Before either of them knew it, dawn was quickly approaching. The sky was slowly getting brighter and the light smell of rain was in the air. It was only then that Seiji turned to look at Touma.  
  
Touma was still lost in his thoughts and was staring straight into the rest of the forest again. His hair was a mess that not even his headband could help. His eyes held the looks of sadness and loneliness with hints of yet more unshed tears. His cheeks were stained with dried tears that were half hidden in Seiji's chest.  
  
Seiji turned his head to the side slightly and kissed Touma on his temple. "Touma I-"  
  
"I think we should be heading back now." Touma said while pulling back slightly. "It's gonna rain and it's almost dawn. The others will be wondering what happened if we don't go back soon."  
  
Disappointment flashed through those amethyst eyes for a moment before he stood up and held out a hand to Touma. ~Touma, I- We need to talk.~  
  
~Not now Seiji. Please. I. I'm not ready.~  
  
Hearing those words laced with pain and sadness, Seiji could only nod. He pulled Touma up and was about to start heading back, when Touma staggered and lost his balance.  
  
Seiji let out a sigh of relief as he just barely caught Touma. "Daijoubu ka?"  
  
He nodded. "Just tired. Must've been more exhausted than I thought." Touma said while trying to wave off his friend.  
  
Seiji, on the other hand, would NOT let go of his hold on Touma. He only let go of Touma's arm so that he could wrap his arm around the archer, making sure he had a good grip on him before he insisted on helping him back to the manor. 


	4. Coping And Avoidance

A/N: okay, I'm very sorry it took so long for me to get this up. I realize that I'm several days late, but the ending of this chapter just wasn't working with me. I'd like to thank you all for being patient.  
  
To everyone who reviewed, thank you very very much.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Wildefyre, thanks for reviewing and thanks a bunch for helping me with my tag problem.  
  
  
  
Coping and Avoidance  
  
By the time they reached the manor, it was almost six o'clock. They were both still tired, and now soaking wet. It had been raining mercilessly for the past ten minutes and was now down to a light drizzle.  
  
Luckily for them, no one was up yet and they were able to sneak back into their room unnoticed. As soon as they got up there, Seiji pushed Touma into their adjoined bathroom.  
  
"Hurry up and take a shower before you get sick." He said as he came back in with a towel and a set of clothes for Touma. "Then go back to sleep before you pass out from exhaustion." He added as he turned around to walk out the door.  
  
"Seiji?" the swordsman stopped and turned around to look at his blue-haired companion. "Thank you." Came the soft whisper. Seiji gave a slight smile before he walked back into their room. He grabbed another towel and some dry clothes, then went to the bathroom across the hall to take a hot shower himself.  
  
When Seiji went back into their room, it was already 6:45 and Touma was crashed on his bed. The archer's hair was still wet and next to his bed was a pile of soaked clothes and a towel.  
  
Kneeling down next to the bed, he pulled the blanket over the archer's body and he just watched him for a bit. Sleep did sound like a good idea, especially since they didn't get much sleep the night before. Yet no matter how tempting sleep was at the moment, he couldn't. He stood up, still watching Touma sleep. Shin would be up soon, and if Seiji wasn't down there like normal, he'd start to worry and wonder what happened.  
  
So he tiredly trudged his way downstairs and made himself some tea. Sure enough, ten minutes later Shin came walking into the kitchen. Seiji ignored Shin and nursed the cup of tea he had in his hand, only pausing to say 'good morning' to Shin as usual.  
  
Shin rummaged through the fridge, pulled out some stuff and started cooking breakfast before the other two woke up, which wouldn't be long. Seiji, deciding he was not really hungry, finished his tea, stood up, put his cup in the sink, grabbed a fruit and started heading back up to his room.  
  
"Seiji?" Shin asked, voice full of concern.  
  
Seiji paused. "I need to meditate. I'd appreciate it if you told them not to bother me till I'm finished.  
  
With that, Seiji left the kitchen, not bothering to wait for Shin to say anything. He slowly made his way back upstairs, hoping that he'd make it back to his room before Ryo and Shuu woke up.  
  
No one was in the hall, and Seiji quietly slipped back into their room. He walked over to the desk and placed the apple down there since he wasn't going to eat it. He walked over to Touma's bed, and had never thanked his timing more than he did right now, as he heard Shuu rushing past their door to go downstairs.  
  
Kneeling down next to Touma's bed, exactly like how he had done so earlier, he watched Touma again for a bit. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully, and Seiji was thankful for that. The past few days he hasn't been sleeping very well and the baggs under his eyes were proof of that. However, no one, that is except for Seiji, knew why Touma was not getting much sleep.  
  
Touma, like him, never really talked about things like how he felt or what was really happening in his life. He'd only carry on in the other's conversations and never went into anything that became personal. Seiji was the only one that he was open with.  
  
Brushing some of Touma's blue hair out of his face, he stood up and went to change into more comfortable clothes to sleep in. He needed sleep, otherwise he'll be the one to pass out from exhaustion, and being that he would probably be downstairs when it happened, that was definitely not a good idea. Shuu would probably know better being that he's the one who threw that bitch off our property, literally. Hopefully Shin wouldn't worry too much when I end up in this room for several hours, and I pray that they both keep Ryo and Mia away from the door.  
  
After he changed, he walked over to the door and locked it, hoping it'd me more of a deterrent and that when they see it's locked, they won't bother trying anymore. Then he went to his bed to get some sleep. However, he found that he just couldn't fall asleep. He spent the next ten minutes tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable and relaxed. Yet no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't sleep. His mind was plagued with thoughts and concerns. Instead, he turned his head and looked at the sleeping archer.  
  
//At least he's sleeping peacefully. I feel so guilty every time I see him in a fitful sleep. But then again, I deserve it don't I? Because I turned him away he had to go through all this.// Seiji closed his eyes and shook his head as if trying to get rid of these thoughts. Then he spent the next few minutes berating himself. //I need to stop dwelling on my mistakes in the past. What's done is done, and now he's in pain.//  
  
"I promised myself I'd try to fix this. I might as well start now." he softly muttered to himself.  
  
With that, he got off his bed and made the short trip across the room, stopping once again, in front of Touma's bed. Only this time, instead of just kneeling there and watching him, he got into bed with him. He wrapped his arms around the archer and pulled him a bit closer. He waited to see if Touma would wake up. When he didn't, Seiji rested his head down right above Touma's.  
  
"I'm sorry. Forgive me." he whispered before he closed his eyes and went to sleep. 


	5. Drowning In Sorrow

AN: finally! I've battle the ending tooth and nail, but I eventually won. I came out sporting a sore hand, a slightly damaged mind, ascratched up paper, and sorta bent pen. ^^;; didn't think it was gonna fight back that hard. Must be a reincarnation of my brother. Anyway, being that it took longer than expected, I stretched it out and made this part as long as I possibly could. I warn you now, don't expect the next chapter anytime soon. It's break and I luckily have more time to think, but after battling with this chapter, I'm figuring out how to get to the ending from here. It'll most likely be only a chapter or two more.

And thank you for all of you who reviewed and for being understanding in my dilemma, which unfortunately doesn't seem to be ending till the middle of January.

On another note, instead of constantly putting up extra notes here when I can't update, I've made myself a group. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/RSS_Fanfiction/  I haven't done anything yet, but please join, I'm using it to keep my readers updated on my progress for my fics. I'll be uploading my fics up there in a couple days.

Drowning In Sorrow

The door opened and closed. I didn't bother to look up until my name was called. I looked up and saw Touma. Mentally I gasped in shock. I knew what was going to happen, but there was nothing I could do about it. The only thing I could do was sit in the back of my mind and watch the scene take it's course.

He's talking to me now, and though I cannot hear him, I know exactly what he's telling me. Now he's leaning forward to kiss me, and I see myself pushing him away. The look of hurt on his face tells me that I've already said something to him and it makes me want to yell at myself for what I've done, not that I could fix it. It's already too late.

All too soon the view started moving away and I realized I was waking out of the room, leaving Touma behind, who just stood there staring at me, his eyes brimming with tears. All I feel know is hatred towards myself. I want to kick myself in the ass for being such a cruel jerk. Sure at the time everything seemed justified. I mean, how are you supposed to react when your closest friend comes up to you one day saying that they're in love with you and kisses you?

Everything slowly fades away and the next thing I see are clips of images and scenes that came after that day. I spent days, weeks even, trying to avoid him. I'd go out early and come home late. I only went into our room to get clean clothes or a book or something. Most of the time I was up in the attic, or on the roof. Nobody knew I was up there. They all thought I hated going up to the attic since I wouldn't help them clean it out last time. I even went as far as to cut off my link with all the others. If they wanted to talk to me or question me, they had to seek me out first.

I spent most of the days thinking and going over what happened. For the life of me, I just couldn't figure anything out. Everything I've ever learned told me that I was supposed to find myself a wife, get married, and have a son to carry on the family name. For a guy to like another guy, that was something that was heavily frowned upon in my family. I grew up not only thinking that it was wrong, but that it was bad, completely immoral and totally disgusting. That it was something that took away your pride and honor to your name. But then why would Touma do such a thing? Sure he didn't have much of an honor to his name to uphold thanks to his father, but his pride was something he held very important to him. No matter how long I spent thinking, I couldn't figure anything out.

By the end of the third week, I was still just as confused or even more so than before. The others have also tried to confront me, which in response I now dutifully ignore and avoid them as well. Now I practically stay in the attic all day. Early in the morning when no one is up, I'd go down to get myself some food and then head back up to the attic. This was the daily routine. That is, of course, up until the last day of the third week. By then, I think, I was driving myself insane. I've spent my time analyzing, reanalyzing, and even over analyzing known facts. And after three weeks, I'm still stuck where I was from the beginning. Of course, all of this thinking gave me a headache, so I did the only thing I could do. I went to sleep early.

I must've slept for only five hours cause when I looked at the clock, it said midnight. I looked around a bit, trying to figure out what it was that woke me up. That's when I heard Shin calling for me through the link. Thinking about it now, Shin probably figured it out to some extent. At least, he knew it was something that included both of us. I was surprised that the link let it through, but it must've been because the link is weak when we're sleeping. However, the urgency in his voice snapped me out of my shock. Instead of replying, I got up and went downstairs. At this time of night, everyone else is always asleep, making it easy to find Shin. I just had to look for light. It didn't take long to find him, but it was where he was that made me stop in my tracks and just stare for a moment. The door was closed and the light shone out from under it. Therefore, Shin had no idea that I was already standing outside. What made me stop though, was when I saw who's door I was standing outside of. All the possibilities running through my head made me sick to the stomach.

I took a deep breath, not sure what to expect behind the door, and walked inside. However, nothing could've prepared me for what I saw before me. Shin was kneeling next to Touma's bed. There were two piles of cloth next to him. One was clean, but the other pile, the slightly bigger pile, of cloths were soaked in blood. I quickly walked closer to the bed, and there lay Touma. It looked like there were a fresh pair of cloth wrapped around his wrists with Shin's hands around them as well, trying to put as much pressure there as he could. Even with all of this, you could see the pieces of cloth quickly turning red from the blood.

Placing a hand on Shin's shoulders, I gently pushed him to the side. I knelt where Shin was and looked at Touma for a second. Then my eyes flickered to his wrists. I reached out to take off the pieces of cloth from each wrist, then looked to see what kind of damage was done to him. As soon as I saw Touma's wrists, I was suddenly hit with the brutally harsh reality. Touma was dying.

My eyes snapped open and I was gasping for breath. My arms tightened around the sleeping archer that lay in front of me. As it was, if it wasn't for the fact that I had a sleeping Touma in my arms, I would've sat up as well. My head was spinning, my heart was racing, and I was trying to catch my breath. I've never had any dreams about that day before, so it was totally unexpected and shocking that it came back to haunt me now.

It was that day that I made a realization that I should've found within my three weeks of avoiding. I realized that my course of action was very childish, and it wasn't till that night that I realized that I valued our friendship a lot. That I'd rather forget what happened so that we could still be the friends that we used to be. I was very thankful that night, that you weren't thinking and ended up slicing your wrists and not straight down you forearm. However the cuts on your wrists were really deep and if Shin didn't wake me up when he did, I wouldn't have been able to heal you in time. You could've died.

Pulling myself away from that train of thought, I look up at the clock. It's three o'clock. Have we been sleeping for that long? Everyone's probably wondering why I've missed lunch. But then again, today's Sunday, so hopefully everyone went out by lunch time. Though I should probably get up anyway. Placing a kiss on top of Touma's head, I unwrap my arms from around his torso and slide out of bed.

"Seiji….?" he said in a soft voice, waking up slightly.

I kneel down on the ground next to him. "Go back to sleep Touma. We'll talk tonight." I say in a soft voice as well, as I gently pet his head like a parent would to a child. I watched and waited till he went back to sleep before I got up and headed to the bathroom.

A/N:  okay! Now that that's done, I'd like some suggestions on how to continue. I want to finish this fic sometime soon, but my evil mind loves being a sado-masochistic bastard and loves to torture me by making me not able to finish fics and wants me to inadvertently make you all suffer by writing more but not getting them together. Although I *do* have an ending, sorta, it's just basically they get together.  O.o  not very specific, but I'll figure it out eventually.


	6. AUTHOR'S NOTE!

Sorry! This isn't a chapter, but well, I've dug myself back up from my grave and into the land of the living. I know it's been almost an entire year since I've updated, and I'd like to inform everyone that I AM working on the next chapter. It took me forever to figure out how I wanted the story to go. Right now I'm still figuring out how to end it. It's almost done, and hopefully, a bit longer than the others, but I can't say as I'm typing on notepad and I've no comparison as everything else was on Word. I'm hoping to write more during Christmas break, since the semester is ending this week basically. I'm also trying to see if I can write for my other ones. I've got two more YST fics, but I never had much on them so I never posted them. If I can write more, and hopefully I can, I will start posting them here as well.

SO!! Wish me luck! I'm hoping no longer than a week. *crosses fingers* Otherwise... well, I'll have to think of something. But I encourage you to read my other fics. They're not from YST, and there's not much, but it's something to read. Of course, you can also go to my website to check out some other people's fics, though I'm sorry to say that I only have this YST fic up there. Everything else is of other fandoms or original work. But take a look! XD

~An Extremely Sorry Kodoku~


	7. The First Steps Towards Healing

well, here's chapter six. I'm so sorry I took so long. I've been very busy with r/l and not to mention I've got restricted time on the comp now. so anyway, to make this a news update as well, I have most of chapter 7 written, and I'm sorry to say, that that will be the end. there may be possibilities for an epilogue later on, but my mind is pretty much tired with this story. it was extremely fun to write. though it didn't start out that way in the beginning. it was pretty much to vent the bad happennings of my life.  
  
anyway, I'd like to thank Misako and Acuamaine for having been reading from the beginning. and Misako again for being a great source of inspiration for not only this fic, but for all my other fics and originals. Mis, I know I don't talk to you anymore, but one day I'd like to. just like how it was before. this chapter is dedicated to the two of you.  
  
The First Steps Towards Healing  
  
When I awoke, it was night-time, as the sun was already setting. I was still a bit tired, but hunger and a much needed talk pulled me out of my bed. Looking around a bit, I noticed that the room was empty, meaning that Seiji was either downstairs or he was out. There were many questions I had in the back of my mind that I had wanted to ask him when I first awoke, earlier in the afternoon. Unfortunately, my hunger has once again won the battle, and I went to the bathroom to rinse my face and mouth before heading downstairs to find something to eat.  
  
Downstairs in the den, Shuu sat in front of the TV absorbed in the game he was playing. I easily went by him unnoticed and headed for the kitchen. Shin was in there making a simple dinner of somen. No sign of Seiji though, so he must've went out somewhere.  
  
"Touma, are you all right? You've been asleep all day. You're not sick are you?" Shin asked, voice full of concern as he stopped what he was doing for a bit to look up at me.  
  
"I'm fine Shin." I say as I give him a brief smile, before making myself a cup of tea to hopefully wake me up. "I was up till sometime this morning reading. I sorta lost track of time. Where'd Ryo, Nasuti, and Seiji go?"  
  
"Ryo and Nasuti have been out all day. Seiji came down a few hours ago to eat something, then I think he went out to the forest. Do you think you could go get him for dinner soon?" he asked me as he checked the softness of the noodles.  
  
I thought on that question for a bit before answering Shin. "You and Shuu go ahead and enjoy the somen. I'll just make some sandwiches and go find Seiji." Shin gave me a curious and questioning look. I continued. "If he's out in the forest, it's probably to think and he wouldn't want to be bothered. 'Sides, it's a long walk to where he'd be anyway. This way, you guys don't have to wait so long for the both of us to come back and I need to talk to him anyway." K'so... wasn't supposed to mention that. Hurry up and say something so he doesn't start worrying again baka! "uhh... he said he'd help me think of new ideas and designs for my astrology page on the net."  
  
He looked at me for a bit longer before turning back to the cooking noodles. "Okay, go ahead." he said as he waved one dismissively at me while the other was taking the noodles out and putting it into a bowl full of ice. "Just don't stay out too late. It's supposed to be colder tonight. I don't need the both of you to go and catch a cold."  
  
I let out the breath of air that I had been holding. "Sure thing Shin." I say as I go to make a few sandwhiches. That done, I went in search for that picnic towel that I know we keep somewhere in the kitchen. Finding that, I took the sandwhiches and went out the kitchen door and headed into the woods to find Seiji.  
  
The walk to Seiji's small spot in the forest seemed longer than usual. It was a small, unusual clearing in the middle of the woods, away from the imprinted path, just passed the lake. It wasn't very far from where he took us too last night.  
  
A soft sigh escapes past my lips. This whole situation was so mizerably painful and frustrating. I didn't want it to end so badly. In fact, I didn't want it to end at all. I think I really loved her. But it happened anyway. And though I think I can get past that eventually, Seiji is a completely different problem. He's so confusing. He does things that give me hope that a relationship may be possible. But he pushed me away the last time. Maybe I'm just reading too much into all of this.  
  
I finally reach the lake with only moonlight to help me see. It was so peaceful out here. The breeze was so soft that the leaves on the trees barely moved. The water in the lake was still. It was a very comforting silence. So opposite of everything that happened yesterday.  
  
Trying hard not to think about it, I quicken my pace just a bit and head off of the main trail to where I knew Seiji would be. It wasn't very long, and within minutes I could see the clearing up ahead. The moonlight shined into the clearing, showing Seiji sitting far into the middle, his back towards me. I'm not sure if he noticed me, though it looks like he's still meditating, so probably not. So I stay near the edge of the clearing and sit down, leaning against a tree with the blanket and food next to me.  
  
I took the time to silently watch Seiji, and became lost within my own thoughts. Everything the two of us had been through during our time as the Troopers. All those close calls and rare moments of peace. Everything we've been through as friends. Those moments of friendship that I cherise more than life itself. And, although I miss those times and how life was then, I still love the friendship that we still have in spite of my telling him of my feelings and his rejection. Sometimes, it feels like we're closer somehow, than we were before.  
  
And before my thoughts could venture off to the more recently painful memories, I was distracted by a new presence next to me. I turned my head and was greeted with a rare genuine smile from the blonde that now sat next to me. Returning the smile, I took the blanket and food from his hands and moved to lay everything out. Moving back to my spot against the tree, I hand a couple sandwiches to Seiji before tilting my head back to stare up at the stars.  
  
I took a few moments to just stargaze. It was a very relaxing thing to do. I knew Seiji was watching me instead of eating, but I don't let that bother me at the moment. My mind was in a state of total relaxation, and with my being high strung on emotions the past 24 hours, it was a much welcomed relief. 


	8. Forgiveness

I know I have taken forever, but it's finally finished. I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my fic. I enjoyed writing this immensely. even though it started off with just trying to deal with life situations that were somewhat similar. Now I can work on trying to finish my other stories. I hope you enjoy this.

And now I present to you the final chapter of Guilt.****

**Forgiveness**

The content look on Touma's face as he stargazed brought a smile onto my face. It was good to see that through all the pain he's been though, he can still find ways to be in peace. Even if it only lasts for a few moments, it's always better than never having a peaceful moment. Looking closer, I can still see a hint of sadness in his eyes, and it makes the guilt eat at me even more. It is mostly my fault that he had to suffer so much pain. And I'm the one, as my dream so kindly reminded me, who drove Touma to the brink of suicide.  
  
I slowly avert my eyes to the sandwiches in my hand. I put one down and open the other one. Taking a small bite, I wonder how Touma can still like someone like me. Even as friends. I've caused him so much pain. I wasn't a friend to him when he needed me most. If I were him, I'd never want to see or speak to me ever again. But he still does. And for that I'm very grateful.  
  
Seeing him now, and remembering what we have been through. I've finally realized what I've wanted all along. And I would spend as long as it takes, the rest of my life in necessary, to make up for everything I did. For all the pain I caused. Even though he's probably already forgiven me, I can't forgive myself till I start making things right again.  
  
A hand on my shoulder pulled me away from my thoughts. I turn to see Touma giving me a strange look. It was like a quizzical look with... well, something else in it.  
  
"Touma... I..." I started, but was instantly cut off.  
  
"Thank you." he said with a weak smile.  
  
Caught off guard, I could only lower my head slightly, my hair falling to cover my face, as I mutter a soft 'You're welcome' in return.  
  
"Not just for yesterday." he continued. "For everything. For being such a good friend. For being there when I needed you. For still wanting to hang around me after what happened last year." he looked down, muttering the last part softly, yet loud enough to be heard.  
  
At first, I had wanted to protest. After all, he shouldn't be thanking me for things I didn't do when it seemed the most important. But I stayed quiet and let him finish what he was saying. Yet by the end, I just couldn't take it anymore.  
  
"Don't say things like that." I whisper just as softly as his last statement, as my right hand moves under his chin to raise his head back up. I look at him for a moment before leaning forward and giving him a short kiss. As I pull away, I continue speaking.  
  
"I love you Touma. It's taken me a long time and a lot of suffering, but I realize that I do love you. But don't say those things, thanking me like you need my forgiveness. If anything, I should be thanking you." I say. He opens his mouth to cut me off, and protest, but I quickly silence him with a finger against his lips.  
  
"Let me finish." Receiving an nod from him, I continue. "After everything I had done to you. You still want to be near me. Be my friend. After I rejected you. Saying those mean things to you. After I ignored and avoided you. After I had driven you to.. to suicide. You still want to be around me. To talk to me. You still want to be my friend after I was such a jerk to you." I slowly and hesitantly reached forward with both hands to grasp his right hand.  
  
"Touma, I... I should be the one asking for forgiveness. I feel really bad about what I've put you through. But if you can forgive me, I think I might be able to slowly start to forgive myself." I take a deep breath before whispering, "I'm sorry." And for the second time in my short life, I started crying.  
  
The next thing I noticed were arms wrapped around my chest and a head resting against the crook of my neck. I stiffened for a moment before I realized what was going on. I slowly wrapped my arms around Touma and pulled him closer to me.  
  
"I'm so sorry." I whisper again before tilting my head to the side to rest on top of his and silently enjoyed the moment.  
  
A few moments later, Touma pulled away slightly and looked at me with eyes that showed both joy and sadness.  
  
"Seiji, I never really blamed you for anything. But..." he quickly added before I could say anything. "But I forgave you a long time ago. After I told you how I felt, really. You need to forgive yourself and move on. You've realized your mistake, but you have the opportunity to make up for it. Not many people have that chance. Just let it go and let 'US' be happy together. That's all I want."  
  
I was silent for a moment. Thinking about what Touma just said. Trying to digest it all into my stubborn mind. Not to mention I was still somewhat shocked about everything already said earlier.  
  
Slowly, I nodded. "I cannot completely forgive myself yet. But I will try." I say softly as I tighten my hold on him and pull him even closer to me. "For you, I will try."  
  
And we spent the rest of the night like that. In each other's arms, talking softly and enjoying the other's presence. It's amazing how things have changed so much in less than a year. But in the end, even though all that pain and suffering, it was for the better.

END


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